Rare ‘Tofu Bird’ Reportedly Sighted Near Ha‘ena, Kauai

     On Wednesday, an island visitor confirmed the sighting of an elusive, mystical and thought by many to be mythical, bird in the rain forest south of Ha‘ena State Park on Kaua‘i.
     The bird, which resembles a vibrant-green and muted-beige rooster and more commonly known as the “tofu bird” by naturalist gourmands, for years was thought to be largely a fictional character created and promoted by certain Wall Street vegans who are heavily invested in a line of pre-packaged vegetarian products.
     Although rarely if ever sighted by ornithologists, especially without the use of binoculars or hallucinogenic tonics, the bird was considered to actually exist somewhere near either San Francisco, California, the north shore of Kaua‘i, Hawai‘i or all of the continent known by geography professionals as Asia.
     In fact, like Big Foot and the Loch Ness Monster, much has been written about possible sightings throughout history and it has even been given a Latin name by the discoverer, a pseudo-scientist from Kalamazoo, Michigan named Carl Corniplume.
     A self-described bird enthusiast and bird feather collector, Mr. Corniplume had recently been seen chasing around the trails between Ha‘ena State Park and Hanakapi‘ai Falls in hopes of adding the tail feathers of the Tofu Bird to his vast tail collection. “Yes, I’ve been chasing tail for many, many years”, he affirmed. He also officially affixed the Latin “Edamame Tastae Likis Chickenia” name to the Tofu Bird Wikipedia website.
     Mr. Corniplume more or less confirmed that this, so called, Edamame Tastae etc. bird, like most endangered and extinct species, tastes “pretty good.”
“I was astounded, of course, when I finally sighted the rare bird and was able to get one good photo. I decided to pluck just one of the tail feathers as a specimen when I stumbled on some lava rock and then accidentally stomped on the bird’s neck. Gosh, it didn’t move at all after that and I felt pretty bad. I was going to release it back into the rain forest but, well, I decided to cook it instead. I mean, what the heck, it was dead and I didn’t know any veterinarians that could’ve fixed that mess. So I stopped at Big Save Grocery in Hanalei and picked up some olive oil and garlic and took it back to the condo to cook ‘er up!”
     As suspected by many but now confirmed by Corniplume, the bird has neither skeletal bone structure nor any internal organs to speak of. “I personally am not into speaking of icky stuff like internal organs so I was happy when I didn’t find any”, he said. “Nope, except for the feathers, it was mostly comprised of tofu and makes a heckuva good scramble. Although, I should have added some taro root. Darn it, wish I had. Don’t think I’m gonna get another chance like this one.”
     Asked by this reporter to further elaborate other facts Mr. Corniplume may know about the mystical bird, he replied “Not much”. The question begs did he have any other evidence besides the one photograph? “Other than the tail feathers, which I seem to have misplaced at the moment, I have nothing much to show except a bit of indigestion because I’m pretty sure I used too much garlic. But, I can confirm that is does, in fact, taste pretty much like chicken.”