Early Morning Rooster Commotion Ends in Seminar in Kapa'a, Kauai

    Fourteen unruly roosters on Kaua‘i were brought in for questioning mid-morning yesterday by Deputy Sheriff Robert Moakane after Princeville residents complained of excessive crowing earlier that morning.
    Comments such as, “We all know the roosters get up before we do, but this was just plain ridiculous” and “It sounded like an Italian soccer game, by golly,” were heard. One eyewitness reported, “We’d been told that Deputy Moakane has a way with roosters and can get them to quiet down, so we specifically asked for him to come. It was that bad”.
    The deputy took the roosters away for, what he called, “a seminar” and then returned them later in the day to the original location.
    This reporter has learned that the deputy has spent his entire life in the Hawaiian Islands and is not only fluent with the Hawaiian language but also claims to be conversant with the islands’ roosters.
“Sort of a ‘horse-whisperer’ kind of thing,” said the deputy, “but with roosters instead of horses. Having lived here forever I just acquired a sixth sense about what they are thinking. Some of the conversations are pretty interesting, especially later in the day when they are done scurrying around waking everybody up.”
    When asked if he actually “whispers” to the roosters he stated, “It’s not so much whispering, because I’d swear they don’t hear worth a hoot, so I’ve taken to either shouting until they stop to pay attention or I just stare at the them, thinking my directions, until they figure out what I’m up to. That’s how I got them into the van to have our little session this morning”.
    Another observer reported that Deputy Moakane backed up his police van to the scene and stared the roosters down until they all reluctantly walked up the little plank and into the back. “The roosters looked a bit embarrassed and timid as we watched them slowly climb the ramp. They didn’t look around much and sort of had their heads down. I don’t know what he said but apparently, the deputy had conveyed that he was pretty disappointed in their behavior, I’d guess”, said the witness, a visitor from Pentwater, Mich.
    The seminar that the deputy conducted was more of a tour that he gave the island fowl. Apparently this is not the first time that he’s done this and he relays that it’s effective for a few months or so. “Gets them to think twice about creating a major ruckus like the one this morning. We don’t mind so much if they crow in the early morning because, after all, they are roosters and that’s what roosters do. But they were just out of hand and thoroughly obnoxious today.”
    This reporter asked to have Deputy Moakane describe the seminar. “Well, I’d heard that the Rotary Club was having a fund raising BBQ in Kapa‘a at noon so it was pretty easy. The van has plenty of windows so when we got to where the guys were basting the chickens on that massive, smoking BBQ pit I told the roosters to get on the top of the seat backs and check out the scenery. Whoa, I tell you it never fails! Those birds got real quiet, real quick. I only had to stay there about thirty seconds and they were poking each other and pointing, as best they could, all wide-eyed and sort of shaking. I slowly turned the van around and headed back up to Princeville. That ride was the quietest one I’ve had in quite a while.”

Kaua'i Roosters Flying in Formation?

Five island roosters were seen flying over Kaua‘i’s Anini Beach early yesterday morning in “Blue Angels-type formation,” according to island resident Tootsie Yeager of Kilauea.
    “It was startling! My husband, Chuck, and I were walking the beach early yesterday and without any warning these five huge birds dove down right over us in perfect formation. Then the two birds on the ends peeled off on their own, the other three flew straight up and then straight down and the other two came back to each end. They joined the three, swooped back up into a perfect ‘V’ and headed for Kilauea Lighthouse, where we think they landed. Chuck took plenty of pictures with his iPhone and it wasn’t until he downloaded them that we realized they were all roosters. I didn’t know roosters could even fly let alone do air-show stunts!”
    As it turns out, there is considerably more to the story. After hearing the Yeagers’ account, this reporter interviewed the lighthouse staff to inquire if roosters could actually fly and if they had seen the five in flight.
    “Well, we didn’t think roosters could fly but, yes, we saw the roosters in question,” said volunteer Dixie Whistle. “We noticed them for the first time about six days ago up on the bluff to the north where many albatross land and nest. We hadn’t said anything to anyone as we didn’t have enough facts, but, as unbelievable as it sounds, it appears that the albatross where giving the five roosters flight lessons. At first we thought that the two species were simply becoming quite friendly, which is unusual in itself, but they seemed to be meeting and, if you’ll believe this, communicating in some way. Heads were bobbing and wings pointing and so forth. Using our best binoculars we all watched at various times trying to decipher what was actually happening.”
    “If you’ve ever seen an albatross take off or land you’d wonder why the roosters chose the albatross as their flight instructors,” said volunteer Liz Tinney. “They don’t call them gooney birds for nothing!”
    “That’s for sure,” said Whistler. “The albatross are so fun to watch take off and land. They often are very clumsy with their swaying and running takeoff, and then they sometimes bump their heads and flop around when landing. Their bodies are so big it’s kind of like watching a boxcar trying to land. But, when they’re in the air they are a wonder to behold as they soar gracefully with the wind.”
    “You know, maybe that’s why the roosters are working with them,” said Tinney. “Roosters also have huge bodies but are known to be able to only fly a few feet, maybe up to a low tree branch at best.”
    “I saw those five come in yesterday morning as a group,” said staff member Koa Wood. “Maybe the same time that the Yeagers saw them. It was pretty rough. The roosters all flew to the bluff at the same time, which is something albatross don’t do, and they tried to land all at once. The birds ended up in a big tumbling mess with wings and legs flopping all over, feathers flying and lots of crowing as if they were swearing at each other. They didn’t get up for quite a while and when they did they were limping and shaking their heads as if to say, ‘That’s the last time I’ll do THAT!’ They haven’t been back.”
    Coincidentally, and no doubt unrelated but certainly interesting, this reporter noticed five ruffled and limping roosters this morning on the lanai at Titus Kinimaka’s Surfing School in Hanalei. They appeared to be checking out the surfboards.

Local Deputy Interviews Kaua'i Rooster

Last Wednesday morning, Deputy Robert Moakane, Kaua‘i’s renowned “rooster whisperer,” had the opportunity to interview one of the island’s older, more experienced and apparently quite “well read” roosters. The deputy described the interview, which took place just outside of Shave Ice Paradise in Hanalei, as a bizarre encounter but one which he’d been thinking about trying with a rooster. He came across one that was very bright and surprisingly articulate. The “whisperer” part of it, he explains, is his uncanny ability to understand what roosters are thinking. This is a transcript of a recording he made of the “conversation.” Of course, he had to repeat out loud everything that the rooster was thinking so that it could be recorded. The following has been edited for brevity.
    “Hi Mr. Rooster, I’m Robert, I’m going to repeat everything that I think you’re saying into this big flashy microphone.”
    “Cool, call me Red.”
    “How are you, Red?”
    “I’m fine.”
    “What does that mean, to a rooster, ‘I’m fine’?”
    “I have six wives and I haven’t a clue where any of them are.”
    “So, you’re fine.”
    “That’s what I thought.”
    “What do you mean that’s what you thought, isn’t that’s what you said?”
    “No, that’s what I thought. You’re the one that’s actually saying something out loud, remember? I’m just strutting around here thinking while you figure out what I’m thinking.”
    “Oh, yes, sorry.”
    “It’s OK, but could you hurry. I haven’t eaten for, like, 10 minutes.”
    “OK, so how does a rooster learn the English language?”
    “I read stuff.”
    “Like what kind of stuff?”
    “Litter.”
    “You read litter?”
    “Do you want me to repeat everything so you don’t have to?”
    “No, I just can’t get used to the fact that I’m communicating with a rooster.”
    “You’re not very good at it.”
    “Sorry, but I don’t know anyone else that can talk to roosters.”
    “Actually, I got to hand it to you. You’re the first big dude I’ve ever thought with.”
    “‘Dude’, that’s an interesting word. Where did you learn that?”
    “I’ve been pecking around the lanai at the Quiksilver store. Dudes, Dudes, Dudes. Hang 10, hang loose, hangover. Ya listen, ya learn stuff.”
    “So you’ve learned language by listening to people talk and by reading litter?”
    “Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don’t. Melts in your mouth not in your hand, the king of beers, I’m lovin’ it. By the way, what’s fructose corn syrup? You know what? I’m surprised bugs aren’t smarter, they’re crawling all over the litter but they don’t stop and read any of it. I love bugs. They’re so cute. And delicious.”
    “You eat a lot of bugs, don’t you?”
    “Yeah, well, depends where I’m pecking. If I wander off to Bubba’s the big folks toss me fries and burger buns. I like the fries better but they give me gas.”
    “Yeah, me too. How about that? We have something in common!”
    “Cool. Next time I see you at Bubba’s I’m not stoppin’ to say hi if you know what I mean. So, I’m gonna trot off to the jungle now and check out a new family of centipedes I heard about.”
    “OK, and I need to get to Foodland and pick up some lunch, maybe one of those rotisserie chi…oh, ahh…well, some fresh veggies.”
    “Right. Don’t eat anybody I know. See ya.”
    “Been fun. See ya Dude.”

Roosters Found Using Missing Apple iPads on Kaua'i, Hawaii

    Unusually quiet roosters and a dozen missing Apple iPads were two mysteries solved yesterday morning on Kaua‘i’s North Shore. Both mysteries were found to be related.
“Roosters using iPads, well that’s just ridiculous,” said Deputy Robert Moakane, “but apparently there is something to that.”
    According to the Deputy’s report, a dozen new Apple iPads, originally suspected stolen a few days ago had, in fact, probably fallen off a delivery truck. They ended up in a shallow ravine near The Cliffs at Princeville. The new computers were discovered to be scattered around a small area and were all face up, turned on and surrounded by dozens of very quiet roosters.
    “The whole scene was really quite odd,” said island visitor Gavin Gardiner of Chevy Case, Mich. “I couldn’t believe how quiet it was yesterday morning and this morning. Normally, you know, those energetic roosters are crowing and yakking like all get out. Instead, for the past two days there was not a peep to be heard. It was so unusual that I got up and looked out my window early this morning to see where all those pesky birds were. Come to find out, there were dozens of them right under my lanai, all gathered around these iPads. They had somehow turned them on and were literally surfing the web.”
According to Mr. Gardiner, the younger roosters appeared to be showing the older ones how to operate the computer tablets. “In fact, one younger little guy seemed to be giving up on the older one as if to say, “Oh just let me do it!” I could also see that one hen was on the Twitter site content to just sit on top of one of those “new-user” egg images. It was all quite the scene.
    Another flock of birds had the Youtube site up and were watching the trailer from Chicken Run! They looked to be literally rolling around laughing and pointing, as much as roosters ever laugh and point.
But, what really struck me in the “animal-imitating-humans” category was how most of the surfing was done by the younger chicks, while the older ones watched and apparently tried to learn. I could tell there was a lot of texting going on between the mid-age, or maybe “teenage” roosters and chickens. They were just quiet and intent as anything and not paying a bit of attention to the older ones, who may well have been their parents,” said Mr. Gardiner.
    As it turns out, a local concierge had ordered the iPads to be pre-loaded with island information to loan or rent out to their guests. After the iPads were gathered up by the resort’s staff they were found to be in pretty good shape except for one that an older rooster had given up on trying to learn how to use and so he simply left his opinion of the new technology in a big blob on the screen. “I actually watched that happen”, said Mr. Gardiner, “and cheered him on! Sometimes I think that’s the appropriate response for these texting-surfing gadgets!”

Early Morning Crime Results in Luncheon Gathering at Kentucky Fried Chicken

    The Garden Island newspaper headline read, “Defendant, witnesses, judge and victim’s family attend luncheon.”
    It seems that very early the morning of Thursday, April 22, in a Princeville neighborhood, a fatal assault occurred resulting in the death of a young male. An island visitor was apprehended, brought to trial later that morning and soon after, released. Immediately upon release the defendant, witnesses, the trial judge and relatives of the victim attended lunch together at a Lihu‘e fast food restaurant.
    According to reports, the young male had been making a “ruckus” of sorts in a Princeville neighborhood, near the 8th green of the newly renovated Oceans Course, causing most of the residents to awaken between the hours of 4:30 and 5:30 a.m. Apparently the disturbance consisted of “well timed and consistent loud noises or short outbursts,” according to residents, and even after having been “warned several times by the defendant,” the young male continued to “aggressively, unabashedly and seemingly without remorse” continue his assault upon the peace and tranquility of the surroundings.
“The next thing I knew,” said one witness, a pajama-clad (white and blue hibiscus pattern), dentist from Winnipeg, “the sun-burned defendant had the victim in his clutches and made one violent and rapid snap, breaking the small and tender neck of the victim. Frankly, I was thinking of doing the same thing myself but he beat me to it, and since I was on my honeymoon I didn’t feel it was a good time to ruffle any feathers.”
    The perpetrator, caught red-handed and identified as Roger Lepley of Kalamazoo, Mich., immediately confessed to the slaying and was treated to a cup of strong Kauaian Coffee by a neighbor and invited to a timeshare presentation whenever he might be released and promised brunch at the newly renovated St. Regis Hotel upon completion of the one-hour, or more-likely-two-hour, presentation.
According to court records, the trial was held at 11 a.m. in the Kaua‘i County Courthouse, preceded by District Court Judge Judy Kahanamanahilohilomommamomma ‘mahalo, who heard testimony of the defendant, several sleep-deprived witnesses and a local chef whose testimony was described by a court visitor as “enthusiastically presented and spiced” with convincing testimony that the annoying victim was “ready for killing and I applaud Mr. Lepley for knowing,” and then apparently paraphrasing author John Grisham, “when it was ‘a time to kill.’”
    It turns out that the judge was convinced by all who testified that Mr. Lepley had reasonable motives to commit the very early morning act and soon thereafter acquitted the accused of all charges. Immediately thereafter, the judge noted that it was “nearing the noon hour” and suggested that all in attendance meet at the KFC on Kuhio Highway for lunch.
    She suggested that the victim’s family was already in attendance and would not utter any objections. She also ordered that the victim, known to have been transported to trial in a small Ziplok body bag as “People’s Exhibit A,” be given a proper burial “some time after lunch.” At that point it was noted that both the victim and the chef had quietly disappeared from the courtroom.

Rare ‘Tofu Bird’ Reportedly Sighted Near Ha‘ena, Kauai

     On Wednesday, an island visitor confirmed the sighting of an elusive, mystical and thought by many to be mythical, bird in the rain forest south of Ha‘ena State Park on Kaua‘i.
     The bird, which resembles a vibrant-green and muted-beige rooster and more commonly known as the “tofu bird” by naturalist gourmands, for years was thought to be largely a fictional character created and promoted by certain Wall Street vegans who are heavily invested in a line of pre-packaged vegetarian products.
     Although rarely if ever sighted by ornithologists, especially without the use of binoculars or hallucinogenic tonics, the bird was considered to actually exist somewhere near either San Francisco, California, the north shore of Kaua‘i, Hawai‘i or all of the continent known by geography professionals as Asia.
     In fact, like Big Foot and the Loch Ness Monster, much has been written about possible sightings throughout history and it has even been given a Latin name by the discoverer, a pseudo-scientist from Kalamazoo, Michigan named Carl Corniplume.
     A self-described bird enthusiast and bird feather collector, Mr. Corniplume had recently been seen chasing around the trails between Ha‘ena State Park and Hanakapi‘ai Falls in hopes of adding the tail feathers of the Tofu Bird to his vast tail collection. “Yes, I’ve been chasing tail for many, many years”, he affirmed. He also officially affixed the Latin “Edamame Tastae Likis Chickenia” name to the Tofu Bird Wikipedia website.
     Mr. Corniplume more or less confirmed that this, so called, Edamame Tastae etc. bird, like most endangered and extinct species, tastes “pretty good.”
“I was astounded, of course, when I finally sighted the rare bird and was able to get one good photo. I decided to pluck just one of the tail feathers as a specimen when I stumbled on some lava rock and then accidentally stomped on the bird’s neck. Gosh, it didn’t move at all after that and I felt pretty bad. I was going to release it back into the rain forest but, well, I decided to cook it instead. I mean, what the heck, it was dead and I didn’t know any veterinarians that could’ve fixed that mess. So I stopped at Big Save Grocery in Hanalei and picked up some olive oil and garlic and took it back to the condo to cook ‘er up!”
     As suspected by many but now confirmed by Corniplume, the bird has neither skeletal bone structure nor any internal organs to speak of. “I personally am not into speaking of icky stuff like internal organs so I was happy when I didn’t find any”, he said. “Nope, except for the feathers, it was mostly comprised of tofu and makes a heckuva good scramble. Although, I should have added some taro root. Darn it, wish I had. Don’t think I’m gonna get another chance like this one.”
     Asked by this reporter to further elaborate other facts Mr. Corniplume may know about the mystical bird, he replied “Not much”. The question begs did he have any other evidence besides the one photograph? “Other than the tail feathers, which I seem to have misplaced at the moment, I have nothing much to show except a bit of indigestion because I’m pretty sure I used too much garlic. But, I can confirm that is does, in fact, taste pretty much like chicken.”