Local Deputy Interviews Kaua'i Rooster

Last Wednesday morning, Deputy Robert Moakane, Kaua‘i’s renowned “rooster whisperer,” had the opportunity to interview one of the island’s older, more experienced and apparently quite “well read” roosters. The deputy described the interview, which took place just outside of Shave Ice Paradise in Hanalei, as a bizarre encounter but one which he’d been thinking about trying with a rooster. He came across one that was very bright and surprisingly articulate. The “whisperer” part of it, he explains, is his uncanny ability to understand what roosters are thinking. This is a transcript of a recording he made of the “conversation.” Of course, he had to repeat out loud everything that the rooster was thinking so that it could be recorded. The following has been edited for brevity.
    “Hi Mr. Rooster, I’m Robert, I’m going to repeat everything that I think you’re saying into this big flashy microphone.”
    “Cool, call me Red.”
    “How are you, Red?”
    “I’m fine.”
    “What does that mean, to a rooster, ‘I’m fine’?”
    “I have six wives and I haven’t a clue where any of them are.”
    “So, you’re fine.”
    “That’s what I thought.”
    “What do you mean that’s what you thought, isn’t that’s what you said?”
    “No, that’s what I thought. You’re the one that’s actually saying something out loud, remember? I’m just strutting around here thinking while you figure out what I’m thinking.”
    “Oh, yes, sorry.”
    “It’s OK, but could you hurry. I haven’t eaten for, like, 10 minutes.”
    “OK, so how does a rooster learn the English language?”
    “I read stuff.”
    “Like what kind of stuff?”
    “Litter.”
    “You read litter?”
    “Do you want me to repeat everything so you don’t have to?”
    “No, I just can’t get used to the fact that I’m communicating with a rooster.”
    “You’re not very good at it.”
    “Sorry, but I don’t know anyone else that can talk to roosters.”
    “Actually, I got to hand it to you. You’re the first big dude I’ve ever thought with.”
    “‘Dude’, that’s an interesting word. Where did you learn that?”
    “I’ve been pecking around the lanai at the Quiksilver store. Dudes, Dudes, Dudes. Hang 10, hang loose, hangover. Ya listen, ya learn stuff.”
    “So you’ve learned language by listening to people talk and by reading litter?”
    “Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don’t. Melts in your mouth not in your hand, the king of beers, I’m lovin’ it. By the way, what’s fructose corn syrup? You know what? I’m surprised bugs aren’t smarter, they’re crawling all over the litter but they don’t stop and read any of it. I love bugs. They’re so cute. And delicious.”
    “You eat a lot of bugs, don’t you?”
    “Yeah, well, depends where I’m pecking. If I wander off to Bubba’s the big folks toss me fries and burger buns. I like the fries better but they give me gas.”
    “Yeah, me too. How about that? We have something in common!”
    “Cool. Next time I see you at Bubba’s I’m not stoppin’ to say hi if you know what I mean. So, I’m gonna trot off to the jungle now and check out a new family of centipedes I heard about.”
    “OK, and I need to get to Foodland and pick up some lunch, maybe one of those rotisserie chi…oh, ahh…well, some fresh veggies.”
    “Right. Don’t eat anybody I know. See ya.”
    “Been fun. See ya Dude.”